Professor Whiskers is a cat and a man He’s not quite a cat, he’s not quite a man He does cat things like getting stuck in the door Licking his penis and shittin’ on the floor It’s pretty full on when he licks his dick It makes my guests a little bit sick Because he is still half a man And his penis is that of a man Professor Whiskers! He’s got the body of a man Professor Whiskers! But he’s got the brain… Of a man Professor Whiskers! Not quite sure what part is a cat! Professor Whiskers has the body of a man and the arm of a man and the leg of a man the hair of a man, the ear of a man the toes of a man and the arm of a man Just to be clear he’s completely a man But he’s not a professor don’t you understand? Professor Whiskers is his cat name His proper person name is Wayne and while he lectured for a time He is currently unemployed Professor Whiskers! The neighbour’s cat is pregnant Professor Whiskers! There are no other cats in the neighbourhood Professor Whiskers! Don’t wanna know how the cat got pregnant Professor Whiskers loves arching his back when he thinks his reflection is another cat Just like a cat he loves burying turds and bringing us the gift of half-dead birds And just like a cat he has no balls He cut off his own balls Professor Whiskers! He cut off his own balls Professor Whiskers! He did it in the shed Professor Whiskers! He loves to drink yummy milk But Professor Whiskers was a naughty kitty cat Because he did a wittle piddle on the mat So we put him in the car and drove into town We said to the vet: “Please put him down” The vet said “I can’t do that” “That’s clearly a man” We said “Here’s 50 bucks” “Let’s fuckin put him down” But the vet only injected a cat amount So instead of dying he just flailed about He screamed “I’m not a real cat” “My name is Wayne” So we strangled him with his own leash and ended his pain But he grabbed a cricket bat and knocked us to the floor Ran outside and stole a Holden Commodore He drove down the street headed for the state line The Vet said “I just need one bullet to take nine lives” The vet took out his revolver and fired one shot And the Holden Commodore rolled to a stop A police officer came up and said: “You’ve killed a man” We said “Here’s 50 bucks” “You’ve killed a cat” Professor Whiskers! We buried him in the backyard Professor Whiskers! The children made him a little cross Professor Whiskers! His grave is next to Doggo Boy’s and right across from Canary Man And don’t forget about Lizard Boy And also Man Man He’s just a person we murdered By backyard, I mean the state Belanglo forest I’m a murderer!